PARTY. LOVE. HURT. PRAY.

 Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)
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1. When I was a kid, I've always suspected to myself that I am quite different from the other boys of my age. However, the the confirmation of my fabulous gayness didn't come until 3rd year of High School when I became extremely infatuated with a guy from school. His name was Andrew, the typical High School mestizo jock who exuded that charismatic, John Tucker-coolness. I followed him everywhere around campus (i.e. the library, the cafeteria, the basketball court, etc.), hoping I would learn a little something about him by observing. After class hours, I would sneak into his classroom and collect the quiz papers and used napkins that he left lying under his desk (eew.) I also remember following him home for several nights, just so I could memorize where he lived. Yes, i was a little obsessed, and yet, I was too afraid to come up and introduce myself. I never met him.

2. I had a crush on a girl back in Seventh Grade. She was not from my school, because I went to an all-boys, Catholic grade school. She went to an all-girls school right that was right beside mine. I saw her perform in a play, and was mesmerized by her feminine grace on stage. I saved up my allowance for three months so I could buy her three expensive French Tulips for Valentine's Day. I had the flowers delivered to her home. She never knew me, or found out who the flowers were from. 

3. In connection to #2. One day, I saw this girl walking on our school grounds. She was with her super cute brother who had the most gorgeous smile ever. I was over the girl the next day, and I secretly wished how I should have sent those flowers to her brother instead. This is the last memory of my heterosexuality.

4. I am the first Ateneo High School graduate to win in the "Search for the Ten Outstanding Students of Quezon City, Third District." Nobody except for my close friends and teachers ever knew, because the winners were announced right after High School graduation. 

5. When I was a kid, I always got bored and impatient whenever my mom took me shopping with her. I always felt like it was a punishment because it took her forever to pick out her clothes. In retaliation, I would hide under the dress rack because I knew that my mom would panic whenever I wasn't on her side. I always knew that she would come looking for me within the next two minutes. One time, my mom couldn't find which dress rack I was hiding in, and thought she lost me forever. I came out from my hiding and started crying. She found me eventually after half an hour or so. On that day, she bought a leash which she tied around my wrists so she would know exactly where I was whenever she brought me to the department store.

6. I'm your the traditional, old-fashioned, by-the-book, sweep-me-off-my-feet, romance-and-butterflies, long-walks-under-the moonlight, barf-inducing cheesiness type of guy. I'm a hopeless romantic, and firmly believe that one day I will have a crazy fairy-tale to tell my grand kids.

7. I love carrot cake, in as much as I love Mariah Carey and David Beckham. All three have the potential to give me feelings of orgasm (and sometimes, actual orgasms). 

8. I absolutely loathe/ despise/ detest cockroaches. I think they are Satan's reincarnates, a manifestation of pure, unadulterated evil. Friendships have ended because someone handed me a plastic cockroach, and thought it was funny. Do this, and I will cut you out of my life. Making cockroach pranks on me is harder to forgive than infidelity.

9. On the day that I will come face to face with God, the first thing that I will ask him is: Why are You complicated, and why are humans even more fucking complicated? Kidding. I will probably ask him if UFOs exist, or if it's possible to hook me up with David Beckham in the afterlife. 

10. The work of Dr. Scott Peck has been my ultimate guiding philosophy on love, growth and commitment. His best known work, the Road Less Traveled, is one that I read for fifteen minutes everyday, and keeps me sane whenever there is drama in my life. Guys and gals, read it! It's one of the best things that my Ateneo Education has brought me. 

11. I find that January is always a great period of stress for me. In January 2007 -- I dealt with the pain of heartbreak. In January 2008, I was stressing over my graduate application that was due by the 1st of Feb. This year, my employer got psycho on me, which has tremendously caused me emotional and physical distress on top of the gazillion things that I'm already dealing with. What the fuck is wrong with January? The only time I'm ecstacy-happy during January is New Year's eve, but it's pretty much downhill after that.

12. All of the guys I have dated, or gone out on dates with (and they're not that many, believe me), have some sort of connection with the letter J. It could be their first name (i.e. Joseph, Jeremy K., Jason, etc.) or last name (i.e. Johnson), or even religious orientation (Jewish), and sometimes their personality (i.e. Jerks). It's creepy.

13. I am a very sentimental person. When I left for the United States, the first thing that I packed were letters and scrapbooks that I have received from friends and family over the years. I keep them in a box under my bed, and pull them out whenever I feel lonely in this foreign land. 

14. Sometimes, I secretly wish I was a gorgeous blonde with the thought process of an amoeba. 

15. I have been playing the piano since I was a kid. I took formal piano lessons until I was in second year of high school. Some of my favorite recital pieces are Somewhere in Time and Gone by Jim Chapel. What originally got me into it was sibling rivalry. I envied my sister who started playing piano three years earlier than I did. I wasn't going to let my sister outshine me. Not in a million years, bitch! Kidding. 

16. I love my sister to death even though things were physically and emotionally brutal between us in the past. When we were kids and found ourselves into a heated argument, she would call me FAG FAG FAG, and I would come back with SLUT SLUT SLUT in return, even though I had no basis for calling her that. All I knew was that it worked like a charm because that would provoke her into hitting me. This gave me an upper advantage because I could claim in front of my parents that I was the greater victim -- "Look at this! She hit me! SHE HIT ME!!! *sob*". God. I'm glad we're way past the name-calling, hair-pulling, i'm-the-bigger-bitch fights.

17. I am watching American Idol right now. Totally random.

18. The thought of seeing a vagina is absolutely horrendous. I can probably look at it in porn, but seeing it in real life would render me unconscious. 

19. I do not like math, and in fact, think that I am quite allergic to it, but I absolutely love statistics. If I don't get into an Organizational Behavior program for my PhD, I will consider applying for a PhD in Quantitative Psychology. YES, I am your stereotypical, over-achieving, asian nerd!

20. This thing is annoying. It is taking me forever to complete. As of this writing, I have spent 5 hours on this. Three of which were consumed in the office. 

21.Titanic is the only movie that I have watched more than a hundred times, seriously. It is my favorite movie of all time. I was able to purchase a pirated copy of it before it was officially released in theaters. I was in sixth grade back then. There came to a point that I could already recite the lines of the script, flawlessly. Up to this day, it continues to pull a few strings in my heart whenever i watch it. You can bet that within the last two minutes of the film, I would have already consumed at least one pack of Kleenex. 

22. I cannot, for the love of God, eat a burger sandwich like most people do. I usually disassemble the burger, and eat the parts separately.

23. Most people dont know that I spent a third of my life being raised in poverty. We are talking third-world, shoebox poverty in here. At that time, however, I didn't know we were poor because I was very happy as a kid, and my parents made sure that I got all the basic things - love, attention and care - all that a kid really needs. I only came to know that we were poor when I transferred to Ateneo when I was in 5th Grade. I remember the very first words that were spoken to me by a classmate during the first day of class: "Hi, I'm Gino. Do you like my shoes? They're from Italy." It was very gossip-girl-ish.

24. I used to have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. To those who don't know, it is a psychological condition in which one feels excessively insecure and ugly. Read more about it here. At the height of my disorder back in college, I deliberately avoided mirrors at all costs because I thought I looked disgustingly hideous. I brushed my teeth without looking in the mirror, and even went so far as to consult several plastic surgeons on how I can be enhanced aesthetically. Yes, I was fucking crazy. Sometimes, I still am. 

25. I like white guys, but it seems they don't like me as much as I like them, unless they're fat and 50+. So this year, I've resolved that I will open myself up to the possibility of going out with an Asian guy. YES. You read that right. An Asian guy. It's time to return to my roots, and start liking em brown, chinky-eyed species of humanity. This is like a Fear Factor test, but I know I can do this! 

**more pictures here 

Nasulyapan ko ang bagong pasabog na commercial ng McDo (thanks to Alvin's blog), and I must say, na-fragile ako.



1. Dahil ang ganda ng set at costume design. Kamusta naman ang mga mommy natin sa commercial na talaga namang nag-evoke ng warm childhood memories, thanks to the Ever Bilena-look, the 90s hairstyle na mukhang pinagtibay ng ilang lata ng hairspray ,at sa bag na talaga namang nagbigay ng bagong kahulugan sa salitang "lawit". I'm sorry, pero uso yata noon ang pahabaan ng strap.

2. How about let's dip the fries sa hot fudge? WAH. Major senti galore. Gusto ko tuloy umuwi ng Pilipinas nang nakita ko to. Iba talaga ang panlasang Pinoy. Mayaman, manamis-namis at higit sa lahat, lalong sumasarap kung ibinabahagi sa iba. Yung McDonald's dito -- ibang-iba ang lasa. Clogged arteries served in a box. Nakakaconscious tuloy kumain or even pumasok sa McDo. Dito, kapag nakita mo yung fries na nakahain sa harap mo, para mo na ring nakikita yung puntod na paglilibingan mo. Sa Pilipinas, keri lang mag-date sa McDo. Pwede na yun. Kikiligin ka na kung maghahati kayo ng Apple Pie or McFlurry tapos mag-uusap lang kayo (sorry na, cheap lang ako eh). Eh dito, kapag dinala mo yung date mo sa McDo, parang death wish. Goodluck na lang kung makalabas pa kayo ulit. Goodluck na lang kung kilala ka pa ng ka-date mo the next day.

3. Eh yung PlayPlace? WAH. Sa tinagal-tagal ko dito sa United States ay hindi pa ako nakakita ng PlayPlace sa kahit anong branch ng McDonald's sa San Francisco. Ito ay dahil mostly child-free city ang San Francisco (malamang ganun di ba...puro bading dito, sinong manganganak?). Na-miss ko tuloy ang PlayPlace sa Katipunan kung saan nilalait ko yung mga batang naglalaro, or yung mga streetchildren na patakam-takam na dumudungaw sa window habang naglalaro sa loob ang mga maiingay na kids ng can afford. Hahaha. Chos. JOKE LANG. Dont take me seriously.

4. "At kahit hindi rin kami naging sa huli...siya pa rin ang first love ko." KABOOM. Hindi ko alam, pero tinamaan ako dun. Iba yung kirot. Wala naman akong dramatic first love na naalala in particular, dahil lahat ng natipuhan kong lalaki ay naging FIRST LOVE. Choz. Pero na-fragile ako dun sa look ng babae nung ngumiti siya sa guy, as she watches him dip those warm fries in hot sundae fudge. Pagmasdan niyo siya 0:54 seconds into the video. Para bang yung look ay "You-and-I could-have-been.......pero-sayang-I-don't-want-a-nerdy-boyfriend-i-want-someone-who-has-a-bigger-dick...sorry naman, babae lang." Tapos yung tugtog eh Huling El Bimbo pa. Susko, can we get any more old school than that? Straight pa ako noong lumabas itong kantang ito. Memories.

I conclude that I miss the Philippines. Though San Francisco is my new home now, the Philippines will always be my First Love. Pakshet. Somebody send me a ticket, NOW!

I am disgusted with the fact that the Church is using deceptive scare tactics and misleading information to sway voters to their side on this civil rights issue. I respect the Church's beliefs and teachings on marriage, but I am immensely ashamed and embarrassed to call myself a Christian if our method of pushing out our religious agenda is through the propagation of deception.

Ito ang aking personal na tugon upang imulat ang kamalayan ng marami ukol sa kahirapang lumalapastangan sa dignidad ng mga Pilipinong nabubuhay sa Barangay Tatalon. Bahagi ito ng aking proyekto para sa Theology 141: Theology of the Catholic Social Vision.

MGA PASASALAMAT
1.Kay Ginoong Tatot Quiblat -- sa kanyang mahusay na paggabay sa kanyang mga mag-aaral upang maging higit na sensitibo sa tawag ng Mapagtanging Pagkiling sa Mga Dukha;

2. Kay Ms. Bench -- sa kanyang pag-tiyak na magkakaroon ng makabuluhang karanasan ng pagbabad ang mga mag-aaral ng Pamantasan ng Ateneo de Manila;

3. Kay Nanay Daisy -- sa kanyang mainit na pagtanggap sa akin sa kanilang tahanan, at sa pagbabahagi ng kanyang mga pinaka-iingatang karanasan na habambuhay sa akin magmamarka;


Umaasa ako na balang-araw ay makababalik ako sa lupang sinilangan upang ibahagi ang aking sarili tungo sa isang pangarap -- ang pangarap na kumilos sa isang mundo kung saan malaya ang lahat at buong-linaw na naaaanigan ang kagandahan ng Kanyang liwanag. 

Nag-memeeting kami sa opisina nang biglang nag-ring ang telepono at exactly 5:56 PM. It was a timely interruption because my boss and I were on the verge of having an intense conversation about marketing.

Jerry picked up the phone and was greeted by the sound of a woman who was bordering on shrieking.

"Peter, that was Maya. She wants you to know that David Beckham is in Union Square, right now."

"What? (First time I heard it, I didn't understand.)"

"David Beckham is in Union Square, RIGHT NOW."

"WHAT? (Second time I heard it, I thought it was a joke)"

"Did you hear what I said?" My boss spoke more slowly. "D-A-V-I-D B-E-C-K-H-A-M is in U-N-I-O-N S-Q-U-A-R-E, RIGHT NOW."

"WHAT?!" (The third time I heard it, I felt like I had received an electric shock.)

"Oh my God. OH MY GOD. OH MMMMYYY GOD."

"What are you waiting for? Go!", sabi ng boss ko.

"Huh?"

"Go! Get out! We'll have this conversation later. Go!"

And just like that, tumakbo ako papuntang Union Square like a hungry mouse at the sight of cheese. I ran four blocks in under five minutes.

Pagdating ko doon, parang may INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION. Lahat ng uri ng nilalang ay nandoon.

Mabuti na lang at today ay naisipan kong dalhin ang aking camera na may 12x Optical Zoom.

Naghanap ako ng spot kung saan puwede akong kumuha ng litrato mula sa isang maayos na anggulo.

Apparently, may autograph signing session si Papa Becks para sa latest underwear campaign niya for Armani. First 50 people lang ang puwedeng magpa-autograph sa kanya. Obviously, wala na akong chance para magpa-autograph sa kanya dahil 10,000 years na ang lumipas bago dumating sa akin ang balita. Pero putangina, kung alam ko lang na magkakaroon ng autograph signing si David Beckham, e di sana pinakyaw ko na lahat ng brief na tinitinda sa Armani para lang ma-meet ko si Ultimate Papa.

Nakahanap ako ng puwesto sa gilid. In FAIRNESS, sumiksik ako nang sumiksik hanggang sa makapunta ako sa may pinakaharap kung saan may railing.

Nang zinoom-in ko yung camera, PUTANGINA. Pakiramdam ko ay kinkuhanan ko ang moment na bumaba ang Diyos sa lupa.

So nandoon, ako, nagpipicture-picture habang nagtitilian yung mga babaeng katabi ko. I swear, nabasag yung eardrums ko today dahil THX ang intensity ng kanilang pagtili.

Tinanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ako makakapagpautograph sa kanya, kaya kinumbinsi ko na lang ang aking sarili na makuntento dahil at least nakakuha ako ng litrato niya. Ang mahalaga, nakita ko siyang buhay at gumagalaw, at napatunayan kong nag-memeron siya.

20 minutes later, nawalan na nang battery yung camera ko. I decided to head out at that point.

But the most amazing thing happened.

TUMAYO SI PAPA BECKS mula sa kinauupuan niya...

(Siyempre, sa simpleng act lang na yun, naghiyawan yung mga tao.)

AND THEN BUMABA SIYA NG STAGE.

**Pakingshet**

AND THEN...

LUMAPIT SIYA sa mga fans niya...RIGHT KUNG SAAN AKO NAKATAYO!!!

PUTANGINA!!!

Siyempre sinubukan kong buhayin yung camera ko PERO PUTANGINA ayaw nang mag-on! LECHE! HINDI NA TALAGA AKO BIBILI NG CHIPIPAY NA BATTERY EVER!

PUTANGINA, I SWEAR, NANGINGINIG AKO NOONG NAKIKITA KO SIYANG PAPALAPIT KUNG SAAN AKO NAKATAYO. Sa bawat hakbang niya, para akong nahuhubaran.

AND THEN LONG BEFORE I KNEW IT, THERE I WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAVID BECKHAM, FACE-TO-FACE, SEPARATED ONLY BY THE RAILING.

PUTANGINA. PUTANGINA.

GUSTO KO MAGCOLLAPSE. I SWEAR. GUSTO KO MAGCOLLAPSE DAHIL hindi ko na-imagine na makikita at makakaharap ko in person si David Beckham. AT hindi ko na-imagine na haharap ako kay DAVID BECKHAM suot-suot ang aking pamosong becky jeans!!

Nagsigawan yung mga babae sa likod ko na parang mga asong nawala sa katinuan on a Full Moon Night. DAVIDDDD!! DAVIIDDD!!! DAAAAVIIIIIDDD. Ang intense ng sigaw! Sigaw na parang ginagahasa at kinukutsilyo at the same time. May I say ang lakas ng effect ni Papa Becks, mas malakas pa sa magnitude ng 1906 San Francisco Earthquake.

Up close, David Beckham is a REAL-TIME walking photoshop, PERFECT IN EVERY ANGLE. Kilig-to the-pepe moment ang kanyang effect.

And as for me, as i stood right in front of Becks, I was stunned with disbelief. Hollywood's Golden Boy was standing right in front of me. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was standing right in front of the guy whose underwear launched a thousand orgasms. I couldn't believe that i was inches away from the guy who was responsible for many of my pleasurable nights. I felt that I was looking at the face of God as he stood close enough for me to see his visible pores. And I knew that I was looking at God because the words that came out of my mouth were "Oh MY GOD" as he stood in flesh and living color. Being there felt so surreal as if I were Moses standing in front of the Burning Bush. The only difference was that the scene felt so orgasmic that I felt more like a Burning Bush.

Lost as I was in the frenzy of the moment, I found myself extending my hand.

And then all in a blissful second that felt like forever, Papa Becks looked at me, shook my hand, smiled, and walked away.


****
Pictures here.

    Kung may isang salita na maglalarawan sa mga bagay-bagay na nangyari sa akin sa mga nakaraang linggo, ang salitang iyon ay hindi pa naiimbento sa diksyunaryo. Hindi ko mailarawan sa mga salita kung papaano akong binagyo ng sunud-sunod na delubyo: Yung kapatid ko tinamaan ng full moon, kaya ayun, naging American Werewolf in Cali. Yung mga magulang ko, umuwi ng Pilipinas dahil may sarili silang dramathon sa hapon. Yung boss ko, nagkaroon ng transformation -- From Britney Spears, naging Miranda sa The Devil Wears Prada. At si Joseph. Si Joseph. Si Joseph. May sarili kaming teleserye ngayon sa Primetime Bida, at mataas ang ratings kasi madrama ang mga eksena. I swear, feeling ko talaga ay para akong isang hamster na pinageeksperimentuhan sa lab -- isang hamster na tumatakbo sa isang gulong na walang katigil-tigil sa pag-ikot. Kaya naman, kung matatandaan ninyo, napasulat ako ng isang entry a few weeks back na gusto ko nang sumalangit nawa.  Peter Belmi, in pace recqueiscat. Stress galore. Para akong ginahasa ng anim na foreigner at hindi ako nag-enjoy.

    Alam ng mga taong lubos na nakakikilala sa akin na matibay akong tao. Strong gurl. Fighter. Palaban. Hindi basta-bastang susuko....Kahit malaki... kahit matigas, hindi ako uurong! Yan ang motto ko.But what made these past few weeks more challenging and unberarably overwhelming for me is the fact that I'm a thousand miles away from the people who love me. For the first time in my life, gumapang ako sa mga pagsubok nang walang kasama. Sure, nariyan ang mga kaibigan ko in spirit, in thought, in memory. Pero minsan ang kailangan mo ay hindi spirit.  Minsan ang kailangan mo ay embodied spirit. Kailangan mo ng a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a face to laugh at (chos). Iba yung feeling kapag may kausap ka, kapag may masasandalan ka, kapag may live human being na nagmemeron sa iyong harap. Iba kapag naririnig mo ang boses nila; iba kapag nakikita mong gumagalaw ang kanilang mukha at hindi lamang larawan o avatar ang nakatambad sa iyong harap. Mas madaling harapin ang mga suliranin kapag nandiyan ang mga kaibigan mo sa iyong harap, sa iyong tabi, sa iyong likod, sa ibabaw mo, sa ilalim mo (FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? Chos.). Aaliwin ka nila. Sasamahan ka nila. Makikinig sila. Magbibigay sila ng opinyon na sasabihin mong chaka pero alam mo deep inside na tama. Ihuhug ka nila at mararamdaman mo ang init mula sa kanila...init na nanggagaling mula sa mga kolesterol at taba na naipon sa kanilang mga bewang habang mahigpit ka nilang yakap. I love you Cams. Hindi talaga madali ang buhay OFW. Lalo na't kung ang ibig sabihin ng OFW ay Overseas FIlipina Whore. Puta. Nakuha ko pang magpatawa. Pero I'm sure hindi kayo matatawa kapag nalaman ninyo na a few weeks back -- on the night of Feb. 4th to be exact -- I tried to jump right out of a moving car on a busy highway. Mabuti na lamang at may kasama akong anghel na nagmamahal sa akin,who pulled me in just when i was at that point -- that moment of despair when all that a man can do is just raise the white flag and concede. Suko na. Tama na. Awat na. This hamster needs to stop running, please.

    Pero nagpapasalamat ako na hanggang ngayon ay humihinga pa rin ako. Masaya ako at binigyan ako ng Poong-Maykapal ng panibagong pagkakataon upang maging masaya at maging kapaki-pakinabang... sa isip, sa salita at sa gawa. Panatang makabakla! Maraming salamat sa LAHAT ng mga kaibigan ko mula sa Perlas ng Silanganan, na bagamat dagat ang pagitan, ay nagawa ninyong maiparamdam sa akin na nariyan lamang kayo...nagsasaya sa Pilipinas habang mag-isa akong nagdurusa dito sa Amerika. Chos. Maraming salamat sa inyong pagmamahal, sa inyong suporta, sa inyong walang sawang-pakikinig sa lahat ng aking pagdradrama, at higit sa lahat, sa walang-humpay ninyong pakikipagbastusan sa chat. It truly means a lot to me. Kayo at ang mga masasayang ala-ala natin ang bumubuhay sa akin upang magpatuloy. Hindi ko man kayo nakakausap lahat, tandaan ninyo na bitbit ko ang bawat isa sa inyo sa aking puso. And when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE that I have had the pleasure of knowing at one point in time. Old friends, new friends, high school friends, college friends, theater friends, choir friends, classmates, co-workers, dazers, chat friends, at marami pang iba...mga kaibigang pinagpala akong matagpuan at makilala along the way.

    At sa'yo, sa aking anghel, maraming salamat. Dahil pinakitaan mo ako ng kaunting sinag ng liwanag nang ako ay iyong hinila. Maraming salamat dahil kung hindi dahil sa iyo ay nilalafang na ako ng mga uod ngayon at pinagpipiyestahan na ako ng mga kaluluwa sa impiyerno. Maraming salamat, kahit hindi mo maiintindihan ang mga salitang nakasulat dito. Maraming salamat dahil minahal mo ako. Balang-araw, babalikan kita at sasabihin ko ito sa iyo sa wikang alam mo.

    I have always believed that happiness is a choice. Pero ngayon lang -- ngayon lang na malayo ako sa sinapupunan ng mga nagmamahal sa akin --  na naging mataginting at malinaw ang katotohanang ito. At patuloy akong magpapasya na maging masaya, maging matatag, maging matibay tulad ng 3D Standard Electric fan, dahil umaasa ako -- pag-asang bumubukal sa pagtitiwala sa Kanya na may kabuluhan ang lahat ng aking pinagdaraanan.  Hayaang mangyari sa akin ang panahon dahil binubuo pa lamang ang aking pagkatao! Someday, these pieces that don't make sense will fall into place in the most beautiful way that no one -- not even you and I -- can imagine at this moment because it is simply beyond us. And until then, we need to see that there are so many things to be grateful about, so many things to be happy about, so many things to look forward to --  and they're just right in front of us, waiting to be seen, waiting to be discovered when we're not too consumed by our own challenges, our our own difficulties, our own pain. We need to be consciously reminded that there is a beautiful world out there -- a world that is ready when we are. And that's why, starting today, I am creating these "gratitude blog entries" -- an idea that I got from watching The Secret the other day. I am going to post things that I am thankful for, things that I have, things that make me happy -- to remind myself how blessed I am, how far I've come, how awesome life is. Because life is about us, and we deserve to be happy! At sayo, sa nagbabasa nito, maraming salamat. Maraming salamat sa oras na iyong ibinahagi. Mahal kita, maging sino ka man. :)

Kahapon, napanood ko na rin sa wakas ang isa sa mga pinag-uusap-usapang pop culture phenonena na itago na lang natin sa pangalang The Secret.  Basically, the entire thing talks about the Law of Attraction, and it wants us to believe that we can have anything -- yes, anything -- in this world. The formula is simple: All we have to do is ask, and we shall receive. Napakabonggang konsepto; in fact, parang narinig ko na yun somewhere sa Bible. At marahil, tinatanong niyo ngayon sa inyong pagkakaupo, ito ba ay TOTOO o CHAKALOO? Well, hindi ko yan masasagot para sa'yo, dahil hindi yan ang aking pakay sa pagsusulat ko ng blog entry na ito. I am not here to scrutinize the validity of The Secret. Iiwan ko na sa inyong mga mambabasa ang pagpapasiya kung totoo nga ba ang Sikreto, o kung isa lamang itong simpleng idea na may pinabonggang marketing strategy tulad ng South Beach Diet, Facebook, at ang now defunct Sandara-Hero love team.

Nagsusulat ako ngayon dahil napaisip ako kagabi habang pinapanood ko ang The Secret. Nagkaroon ako ng cerebral massacre kagabi sa kakaisip sa scenario na ito:

Kung isa akong scientist, at ginamit ko ang The Secret at humiling ako sa Universe na mahanap ang isang theory upang i-disprove ang The Secret, saan ito hahantong?

OKAY. TWO OPTIONS:

1. Kung mahanap ko ang theory to disprove The Secret, ibig sabihin, gumana ang The Secret dahil ibinigay sa akin ng universe ang aking hiniling. Therefore, kung gumana ang The Secret, hindi ko talaga na-disprove ang The Secret.

2. Kung HINDI ko mahanap ang theory to disprove The Secret, ibig sabihin hindi gumana ang The Secret, kasi hindi ibinigay sa akin ng universe ang aking hiniling. Therefore, dahil hindi nabigay sa akin ang aking hiniling, puwede kong sabihin na chaka ang The Secret at hindi ito totoo. Therefore, I have a case against The Secret, which means I have disproved it. And if i have disproved it, babalik tayo sa number 1.

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Ibinahagi ko ang mga thoughts kong ito sa mga co-workers ko kaninang umaga. At ito ang dahilan kung bakit sabi ng boss ko, kailangan ko na raw magpadrug-testing ASAP.

Feb 28, 2007--

Ito na siguro ang isa sa mga hindi ko malilimutang karanasan dito sa United States. My Boss-slash-Good Friend, Maya, took me to her friend's birthday party last Thursday night after work. I was actually COERCED into coming. Initially, I was being anti-social and hesitant to go because I felt like it was the wrong crowd for me (alcohol-drinking, straight corporate people over 30), but Maya said that it's going to be fun since it will be Karaoke night, plus they will be serving delicious Japanese food in the party. At dahil dakila akong palamunin, go na ako.

The party was hosted at The Mint, which is the premier Karaoke Bar here in San Francisco. Akala ko, it's a place where you have private rooms so you have all the freedom to embarrass yourself in front of family and friends. But no, I was wrong. Isa pala siyang small karaoke bar, literally, where there's a bar, a DJ and a stage complete with theatrical lights where you humiliate yourself in front of friends and strangers alike who are watching you while they eat, drink and be merry.  Pookimae. In all fairness, the sound system is top-quality -- mega surround sound effect na puwede mo pang ipa-adjust sa DJ para mas maging dramatic/ bearable ang quality ng iyong voice.

Anyway, pumunta ako doon without the intention to sing. I was just there because I wanted to appease my boss in hopes that she'll consider giving me a raise if we became more collegial. Ang ganda ng intentions at strategy ko di ba. So there I was, socializing with the other attendees who were drinking sake and stuffing their mouth with super delicious sushi, but I was really feeling out of place the entire time (putangina, ano bang puwede kong pag-usapan with people who are almost twice my age?). Gosh. Ngayon ko lang na-experience sa buong buhay ko ang ma-OP sa party (dahil usually chikadora ako di ba). So being such a pathetic loser, I went into some discreet corner to drown myself in this big serving of California Rolls, hoping na baka maawa sa akin ang boss ko at pauwiin/ palayain na niya ako for the night.

So there I was, enjoying my gluttonous world in isolation, when all of a sudden I heard my name being called out by the negrang DJ. "Can I have Peter...Peter Belmi up on stage?" I was like, WTF...nadura ko tuloy yung kinakain kong California Maki nang wala sa oras. "The birthday girl, Kat, is requesting you to do a song on stage," called out by the DJ. Punyemas naman oh. Pakialam ko ba sayong pookinang birthday girl ka... im just here for the free food. Lumapit yung boss ko sakin to give me the "Please-Just-One-Song-For-Me-with matching **Pretty Eyes**?" spiel, pero ayoko talagang kumanta. Sinabi ko sa kanya na baka magkombolusyon ako sa stage nang di oras. But of course, walang nagawa ang appeal to emotion ko, dahil biglang nag-chant ang boss ko ng "Pe-ter! Pe-ter! Pe-ter!", na akala mo sasabak ako sa isang boxing arena. To make things worse, yung mga pookinang lasing sa party nagsimula na ring maki-chant sa boss ko, until everyone was calling out my name in unison. ANO BUZZ. Nakakahiya. Maya-maya, tinutukan ako ng spotlight noong punyemas na DJ sa kinauupuan ko. O paano ka naman makakatakas sa sitwasyon di ba. Hayop.

So fast-forward minutes later and a few wobbly steps, I found myself onstage with a microphone in hand, telling myself, "Shit, Peter. This is the moment. Go belt your heart out kasi lasing naman na yang mga buwakinang yan." I asked the DJ if i can sing something fun like I Will Survive kasi that's really fun to do and I can cheat my way out by leading the crowd to sing (parang ginagawa ni Vina Morales pag hindi na niya maabot yung mga nota ng kanta). Pero punyemas, the DJ tells me that "my song has been pre-selected" (ano to? K! The 1 Million Peso Videoke Challenge?!)... at ang mapalad na kantang babalahurain ko ay "Bridge Over Troubled Water." In fairverona, at least alam ko yung kanta dahil bata pa lang kami na-LSS na kami dito dahil national anthem ito ng aking ina.  So... game! Kahit na ninenerbyos ako sa kaba at feeling ko magsusuka ako ng isang Giant Sushi Monster sa dami ng California Rolls na kinain ko, napagpasiyahan kong magpapakabakla at magpapakadiva na ako sa stage!

So how did it go? Ayun, binasag ko ang ear drums nila! Siyempre, itataguyod ko ang bandera ng lahat ng Pilipinong mahilig kumanta. Hindi ako ang the next american idol, pero mas magaling naman ako kay Ms. Sharon Cuneta (confident?!). Kaya kung magpapa-win ka din lang, MAGPA-WIN KA NA. At siyempre, isa akong die-hard na alagad ni Ate Regz at nagtheater naman ako noong college kaya dapat ma-feel nila ang aking presence! Kaya ayun, nagmaganda at nagMERON ako sa stage. Haha, masaya naman ang performance dahil hindi naman ako binato ng bote ng sake. In fact, inuwi ko ang korona at the end of the night! Meron pala kasing pa-contest ang lintik na birthday girl na yun sa lahat ng pinakanta (so kung ako ang nanalo, naisip niyo ba kung gaano kachakang kumanta ang mga Amerikano? Haha). Hay, ang sarap maging Pilipino! Kaya ayun, umuwi ako nang alas-tres nang umaga bitbit ang aking Grand Prize -- sandamakmak na California Rolls at isang dakot ng wasabe courtesy of The Mint.

Pictures here*

May malaking drama ngayon dito sa bahay sa pagitan ni ate at ng aking ina. as in MMK magnitude ito. bagamat gusto kong magkwento at aliwin kayo (dahil kung tutuusin, talaga namang nakakatawa kasi walang kakuwenta-kuwenta ang pinag-aawayan), pipiliin ko na lamang na ilingid sa inyo ang buong detalye dahil wala na akong enerhiya pa upang magsulat. pero para maunawaan ng makakabasa nito ang saloobin na nais kong ibahagi, hayaan ninyo akong magbanggit ng isang maikling paglalahat ng mga pangyayari.

basically, gusto na ng kapatid ko na magpakasal sa boyfriend niyang pinakamamahal. nagpaalam na sila sa mga magulang ko (at nagbigay na sila ng kanilang basbas), pero panlasa ng ate kong paranoid na hindi siya lubusang supurtado ng aking ina. In short, feeling ng ate ko, may issue kay mommy ang pagpapakasal ni ate kahit wala naman talaga. Kaya ayun, nag-call off ng kasal. As a result, lahat ng tao nag-iiyakan. Yung nanay ko, umiiyak. Yung ate ko, umiiyak. Pati yung boyfriend ng ate ko, umiiyak. Saang sulok man ako tumingin, parang may Magpakailanman episode. Lahat may sariling moment. Lahat may award-winning performances.

Pero hindi ito ang punto kung bakit ako nagsusulat ngayon. Sa gitna ng mga pusong naghihinagpis at ng mga matang namamaga, nangahas akong gamitin ang aking Psychology skills. Ngunit hindi ko alam, pati pala ako ay magkakaroon ng award-winning performance. Hindi ko alam na pati ako, maluluha.

Peter: (in his counseling voice): Ate, tama na ang pag-iyak. Alam mo namang mahal na mahal ka ni mommy, at sinusuportahan ka niya.

Ate: (in her award winning performance with mega luha at mega sigaw) Hindi mo ko naiintindihan! Kailanman hindi mo mararamdaman ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kasi hindi ka naman magpapakasal! Kasi bakla ka!

(ouch. silence)


Peter: Siguro nga hindi ko alam kung gaanong kabigat ang nararamdaman mo. Pero alam ko na pakiramdam mo na ikaw na ang pinakamasaklap na tao ngayon sa buong mundo. Pero hindi yan totoo. Sana maisip mo rin na baka mas masaklap kung ikaw ang mapupunta sa katayuan ko. Dahil baka kahit minsan, hindi ko mararamdaman ang tuwa na makapagpaalam sa magulang. Na kailanman -- anumang pilit kong gustuhin-- hindi ko kailanman mabibigkas ang mga salitang, "inay, ihatid niyo ako sa altar". Na kahit kailan, hindi ko masisilayan mula kay Mommy ang isang ngiti -- ang kanyang ngiti kapag natutunghayan niya na malayang ipinagdiriwang at buong-pusong tinatanggap ng komunidad ang pagsasama ng kanyang anak. Na kahit kailan, hindi ko mararanasang marinig kay mommy ang isang matamis na pagmamalaki, "Ikinasal na ang anak ko sa kanyang pinakamamahal na lalaki!". Dahil bakla ako, at ipinagkait na sa akin ng lipunan ang pribilehiyo na yan bago pa man ako imulat ng mundo sa pag-ibig. Kaya bago mo isampal sa akin kung gaano kasakit yang nararamdaman mo, sana mabatid mo na wala pa yan sa kalingkingan ng sakit na mararamdaman ko... Sakit na mararamdaman ko kapag lubos ko nang naunawaan na kahit anumang pilit kong pangarapin, naghihintay ako sa isang bukas na hindi mangyayari. Dahil bakla ako. Dahil bakla ako."

undeniably one of the best movies i have ever seen.

sa makakabasa nito, i pray that one day you find yourself watching this film.

Yesterday, nag-submit na ako ng application for Graduate School.

Yes -- may direksyon na ako sa buhay. I am planning to take up further studies in Industrial and Organizational Psychology at the San Francisco State University.

And this is all going to be self-support. Poverty, I look forward to seeing you.

The hard and exciting life! I have a natural propensity towards the hard and excited exciting.

Right now, it is a bit of a challenge to balance my schedule. I am working full-time (in a job that exhausts me so much mentally and physically), plus I have to cram reviewing all pertinent material in less than two months. It's like senior year all over again minus the people that I love.

From what I heard, madali lang daw yung TOEFL. I tried taking some practice exams today and keri naman. The Speaking Section was interesting though. They give you a question and you have about 15 seconds to prepare your answer. Parang Question and Answer portion sa Miss Universe.

I think this kind of testing is a bit faulty though. Earlier, this was the question posed by the computer: "If you were to bring one item to a convention to represent your country, what would it be and why?"

Of course...a million things ran through my head earlier -- puto, a coin, picture ni Rizal, Father Arcilla, a bomb, Tanging Yaman Poster, Imelda Marcos, Jollibee, the Dollhouse, a rosary, PBB Winners -- Nene, Keana, Kim Chiu , Bea-whatshername- etc. And part of me had a hard time coming up with an answer, not because I did not know what to say, but rather, I was putting some critical thought on it: Which item would fairly, validly and creatively represent the Filipino?

My 15 seconds to prepare was over before I knew it.

Critical thinking -- the life and death of an Atenean.

i was feeling so down these past few days until i saw this one:




things can't be that bad. =)

October 7 2006

My mom and I went to San Francisco for some serious mother-child bonding. We just moved in to a new place and we had no idea how to get to the SF city hot spots using the local transportation. Sobrang saya. We walked around the city (at nangahas akong maglakad kahit kamukha ko na si Osama), did a bit of shopping (and more window shopping! Kamusta namang 2,000 dollars ang Jacket ni Michael Kors), and of course, lots and lots of boy watching (Asyano, Amerikano, Arabo!) ! Bwahaha, Panalo si mommy -- tinuturuan pa niya ako kung papaano dapat lumandi ("Kindatan mo kasi!"), at kung sino dapat ang lalandiin ("Dapat ang hanapin mo yung may-ari ng Nordstrom!")! Of course, it was all in good fun. And on the way home, nag Miss Congeniality pa ang Nanay ko at mega-chinika ang mga Pinoy sa train station. Tinalo pa ako.

I am really thankful for my Mom. She is quite a character; undeniably my biggest inspiration and influence in life. I love you mommy!

pics of our adventure here.

"magpapakasal ako dahil kailangan kong tumakas sa sitwasyong kinasasangkutan ko."

sinabi ni immanuel kant na labag sa prinsipyong moral ang gamitin ang tao bilang isang kasangkapan upang marating ang isang layunin. ito ay mismong pambabastos at pagpapasawalang-halaga ng likas na dignidad ng tao na dapat igalang ng kahit sino man. kung magpapakasal ka para lamang umaliwalas ang buhay mo ngunit ililingid mo naman sa iyong papakasalan ang mga bagay na kailangan niyang malaman, sa aking palagay masahol pa sa hayop ang gagawin mo dahil wala sa katuwiran ang iyong kilos. Tandaan mo na kaya tayo tao ay dahil may katuwiran tayo at may kalooban tayong nakatuon sa mabuti.

 

"pero mahal ko siya."

ulol. huwag mong gamitin ang salitang mahal na panakip-butas sa lahat ng papasukin mong ito. kung totoo mang may nararamdaman ka para sa papakasalan mo, alalahanin mo ang mga salita ni scott peck: na ang pag-ibig ay hindi maaaring itumbas sa bugso ng damdamin. nalulungkot ako na sa kabila ng lahat ng iyong pinagdaanan, hindi mo pa iyan natutunan. isang buwan pa lamang kayo magkakilala, at ang masaklap pa riyan ay hindi mo maikilos ang iyong tunay na sarili sa tuwing kayo ay magkasama. Anong klaseng buhay ang pagkukubli? At kung sakali mang mayroon ka nga talagang nararamdaman para sa kanya, bakit ka nagmamadaling magpakasal? Bakit hindi hayaan ang kilos ng panahon upang palalimin ang pagkakakilanlan ninyo sa isa’t isa? Tandaan mong ang pagmamahal ay ang kalooban at ang kilos upang higit na mapagtubo ang sarili at ang katuwang.

 

"kung hindi mag-woworkout, e di hindi magwowork-out."

Nalulungkot ako na ganyan ang umiiral na pagtingin mo sa papasukin mong buhay. Hindi yan parang kanin na kapag napaso ka ay bigla mo na lamang iluluwa. Sasabihin mo sa akin na kaya mo gustong magpakasal ay dahil nais mong bumuo ng pamilya upang tuluyan nang malimot ang iyong masaklap na nakaraan. Puwes, may balita ako sayo – kahit saang sulok ka man tumakbo at magtago, hindi mo matatakasan ang anino ng iyong kahapon. Dahil ikaw ay ang suma-tutal ng iyong kasaysayan. Ano na lamang ang sasabihin mo sa kanya kapag isang araw ay natuklasan niya ang mga lihim mong pilit mong ikinukubli dahil sa takot? Sasabihin mo bang ‘hindi ko sinasadyang ikaw ay saktan?” Bagamat alam kong wala sa iyong layon ang makasakit ng sinuman, dapat mong akuin ang responsibilidad dahil nasa kamay mo ang pagpili. Pag-isipan mong mabuti ang iyong bawat hakbang dahil baka isang araw ay matuklasan mo na lamang na ibinaon mo na pala ang iyong sarili sa iyong hukay.